Struggles of this Homeschooling Mom

Well as I reflect on the happenings of this past weekend and this morning I have come to realize I am one of "those" mom's.  You know...those crazy emotional mom's who cry over every little part of their kids growing up?  One of those mom's who hide notes in their kids lunches as suitcase as you send them off to camp....YUP...one of "those" mom's!

I'm not sure about all of you, but growing up I thought my mom was EMBARRASSING!!!!  (now mom, don't get your feelings hurt...I think all kids think that of their mom)  I always told myself "When I have kids I am going to be the COOLEST mom ever!  I am not going to embarrass them, or make them feel weird.  I am going to be confident and totally AWESOME!"  Now some of you might be thinking this is some of that sarcasm I was talking about...but sadly no...this is what I thought :-)

Well I still think I am a pretty COOL/AWESOME mom ;-)! (please don't burst my bubble) But this past weekend/Monday brought a lot of milestones I was not ready for :-( 

My youngest Cuckles lost her first tooth!  Now I know it is a cool thing, and she was SUPER excited and all...but it was my LAST first tooth ever! (unless by God's grace we can save up enough money to adopt)  No more "first" lost teeth :-(  EVER!!!!  Do you hear what I am saying???  EVER!!!!  Alright...now some of you might think I have totally lost it...or am totally crazy!  I must admit it is a little of both :-)

Today I put my oldest Hunter on a bus to go to church camp!  In Rapid City...6 1/2 hours away!!!  Now I know she is going to have a totally awesome time!  I am praying so hard that she sees God in a way she has never before.  I know she believes in God and she was baptized, and she loves God....but I don't think she has ever EXPERIENCED God!  Not sure if you all know what I mean...but I hope so :-)  So I am praying that she experiences God in a personal way :-) 

Now she is 9 and this is the FIRST time EVER she has been away from home (for more than 4 hours).  We have always had slumber parties over here...probably because I have achieved that COOL MOM status ( again don't burst my bubble)!  She has gone to play at friends houses and such...but like I said no longer than 4 hours....and she was IN TOWN!!!!  So today we reached the milestone of sending my child off to camp....6 1/2 HOURS AWAY!!!!!  I know I have said that before, but I really think this is helping me :-)

So yesterday ALL afternoon I cried knowing she was going to be gone....It took EVERYTHING in my (God's) power to have me not follow the bus out of the church parking lot this morning :-)  So...why am I having such a hard time?

This whole ordeal has got me talking pretty honestly with God :-)  But unfortunately He has talked VERY honestly back to me!  But I guess if you can dish it out you better be prepared to take it right????

First off...since all these milestones have gotten me totally emotional....I have noticed I have been praying a lot more :-)  Which is good yes...but I realized....I need to be talking to God like this ALL the time...not just when I am upset and desperate and totally insane!  Don't get me wrong...those are GREAT times to go to God...but shouldn't be the ONLY time....well in my case it is not the only time, but I am more passionate about those times :-)

Second...God is in control...Hunter is God's child, not mine...He gave her to me to take care of and teach and love...but ultimately she is His Child.  Now I have heard "you must give your children back to God"  Which I have done....mentally :-)  I have never had to physically GIVE my child over to God's care!  And it is KILLING me :-)  Not that I don't know HE will protect her and be with her and take care of her...I know that....so why is it so hard? 

Also....I seemed to notice in the parking lot at the church this morning...most parents were excited to send their kids to camp...to get a break and relax and such....which to me seems pretty normal.  So again I find myself as one of "those" moms...totally crazy and sad because my daughter is gone...I have 2 more here at home who will keep me VERY busy....so why am I missing 1 so much...knowing she is safe, and having the time of her life? 

Now I must point out...I did NOT cry as she got on the bus and as the bus pulled out...and I did NOT follow the bus ;-)  So I am making some sort of progress....right?  And those notes I hid in her suitcase and lunch box and journal...and everywhere I could think of :-)  Won't send her to therapy...they will help her!  Because I am sure when it is bedtime if she is not TOTALLY wiped out...she will miss me...a little...right??? (if you don't think so please keep that comment to yourself)